Do you have a problem fitting in? Have you ever been uncomfortable in your own skin? Do you ever wonder if you were born at the wrong time? Or have you ever done something for so long because others told you that you were good at it, but you just didn’t feel fulfilled?Does it irritate you that you just don’t “get” what the Lord might be doing in your life? I liken these situations to the visual concept of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
My thoughts today have been niggling in my brain for a while, trying to come together in words that are understandable. You know how it gets sometimes when your thoughts are all jumbled in your brain and you just can’t seem to find the right words?
Well, for a while now I have been struggling. Struggling inwardly and outwardly. You see, I am the one who is bringing the struggle upon myself because I have been trying to fit in.
I have been thinking for the longest time that I was “meant to be” a novelist. I enjoy writing and I have kept a journal for as long as I can remember. I wasn’t always faithful in keeping up with it at times, but I always returned to that smooth surface and faithful ink pen. I had started writing several stories (uh, maybe 20 plus?) but they each are stacked in a cupboard above my desk, unfinished. Why? Because I get to a point where I just get so frustrated trying to make things up. It stresses me out to the point where I quit in tears. It is upsetting to think that the very thing I feel “called” to is causing me so much angst. It shouldn’t be that way, should it?
Recently I picked up a book that spoke of finding your calling. It was at that same time that I mentioned to my mother that I was getting frustrated with the actual writing process and was too much of a perfectionist. That I spent more time fixing my mistakes than actually writing. (My mom is one of my biggest cheerleaders and lovingly supports me in my ventures.) She told me she would pray about the situation. THEN, not even a day later, I was chatting with a dear friend, expressing to her my frustrations as well. After putting me through a series of 20-questions, she exclaimed, “You are an editor! This is your calling!”
That evening I cried again, but this time, tears of peace flooded my eyes. I was so relieved to know that I didn’t have to try and fit this square peg of “me” into the round hole I had cut for myself years ago.
I have spent so long trying to fit in to an image that I convinced myself it should look like. It became liberating to know that the Lord was calling me. It was freeing to know that all of the gifts and traits I had been blessed with were being used by God to make something unique and completely different. Something I alone could accomplish.
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” (Ephesians 2:10, NLT)
I have been on a cloud for more than two weeks now because I am seeing how the Lord has been working, slowly molding me into a creation to be used for a specific purpose. I didn’t see it before because I was so busy focusing on what I “thought” the Lord wanted for me.
You see, I am not the creative person that so many in my past and present have made me out to be. I am not as right-brained, filled with overwhelming desire to make something. I had believed, incorrectly, that the Lord made everyone with that ability, but that just isn’t true. I can be different. I can be unique. I can express my perfectionism and alpha-female personality in a way that is glorifying to the Lord. I just need to keep my eyes on HIM and He will fit all those puzzle pieces together and make perfect sense.
In the meantime, I have registered for an online class to sharpen my skills. I have put away my “novel” idea of writing fiction. I have been spending more time in prayer and acknowledging the Lord’s sovereignty in this area of my life. I have had my eyes opened to others who also are square pegs trying to find their niche. And most importantly, I have been at peace, for the most part, with the knowledge that all of the previous decades of my life were not really in vain. They were merely getting me to the point where the Lord could use it ALL for His glory.