No More

My son turned twenty-five yesterday. I mourned. Yes, I was reduced to sobs in the middle of the night.

Why?

There will be no more birthday wishes. There will be no more gatherings of the family to celebrate life. There will be no more cake with candles. There will be no more children giggling over presents. There will be no more parties to plan. There will be no more excitement over a special gift. There will be no more teasing about the number of candles to blow out. There will be no more “remember when’s.” There will be no more crepe paper streamers to hang and remove. There will be.No.More.

You see, my son is very alive living six hundred miles away, but he may as well be on the other side of the world. He has disowned me. He has cut off contact and never wants to hear from me.

The little boy whom I held twenty-five years ago and shed tears of joy over and made my heart overflow with love, has ripped my heart in pieces, denying my very existence. His last words to me were vile and evil. They spoke of threats and revenge and promises to never allow me to see my only grand-daughter.

How does that happen? I cannot even imagine the man that my tender, sweet little boy has become. Something has overtaken him. Something has gotten hold of him and eaten away at his conscience. I don’t think it was some”thing” but some”one” that has destroyed my son. And the most difficult thing is that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Each day that I am without interaction with my son is heart-wrenching. I cry over all of the hurtful things he has said to me over the last six years. I cry for the lost little boy who cried himself to sleep in my arms because he was upset. I cry for the missed opportunities of showing him what a friendship with a mother looks like. I cry because he will never make me laugh again. I cry because he will never ask for my help. I cry over the lies he tells himself and others about me.

But the bottom line is that I cry over the fact that he is no longer my son. I mourn the death of a relationship that I will never have.  My son…Is. No. More.

 

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8 thoughts on “No More

  1. Petra, this is such a sad place to be. The saddest part is that you are not alone in this situation. So many families, ours included. are living with the pain of having loved ones turn their backs and walk away leaving us only to deeply pray that a reconciliation can be reached this side of heaven. I will be praying for you and ask your prayers for us as well. Our sadness is in God’s hands as we have no other recourse at this point.

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  2. You are so right, Joyce. Too many men and women feel the sadness over broken relationships. My desire is that others, who feel as I do, will come to see that we are not alone in these sorrows. That our Lord has allowed us to go through tough times in order that we might help one another. We need to help dust the dirt of of each other and walk hand in hand through “the valley of shadow of death” sometimes, don’t we?
    I feel so honored to be able to share my story with everyone.

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    1. Thank you, Mimi. That is my hope and prayer. That God will use my pain and hurt to help others heal theirs. Feel free to share with anyone that might need to hear those words.

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  3. My heart aches for you in your pain. My name is Kelly De Lance and I am in Heart Wings Fellowship. Petra, I was truly surprised that you call this your Hope. As long as your son is alive on Earth,there is Hope. Hope in the Lord Jesus. Put your Hope there! We Serve An AWESOME God that is Powerful and does MIRACULOUS things in our lives as well as our LOVED Ones lives. Yes its good to share our pain and hurts. So many hide from it. The outcome of this unspoken pain can be extremely destructive to our health and relationships if not dealt with. I will be Praying for a healthy new relationship for you and your son. One that honors our Lord Jesus Christ. God can change your son’s heart. I PRAY that God meets your son,(His child) exactly where he is at emotionally,physically and Spiritually and shows him who He is to your son personally. I am Praying for you to find your Strength in the Lord and Beleive on the Promises of God. Remember the Prodical son in the BIBLE. Trust God in this. As long as you Seek Him that sits upon the throne,there is HOPE!!! Love and blessings, Kelly De Lance

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    1. Kelly, thank you for your words of encouragement. Of course I do have faith in my Healing Lord. I know that He alone is the only one Who can restore the relationship. I am preparing my heart for the day that this will happen. However, I know that my God is good all the time, even if restoration will not happen in this life. I am beginning to resign myself to the Lord’s will no matter what that looks like. I should not allow my faith in the Lord to waiver even though my faith in mankind does. I so appreciate all of my sisters and brothers who are coming alongside me and lifting me up in prayer. Thank you again, Kelly!

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